


i cant let you go (dont wanna let you know)

by alwaysayes



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Psychic AU, Too Many Metaphors, also vaguely angsty, and then the first i love yous, backround renee x allison if u look closeley, good shit honestly though, like refusing to say i love you, theyre both magical but its kind of a minor detail, this has a bunch of tropes in it, warlock au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 17:38:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11696607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysayes/pseuds/alwaysayes
Summary: They loved each other the way you love something you can’t get rid of. They loved each other in fleeting touches that barely lingered for a second longer than they should. They loved each other in glances that showed soft eyes and the upturning of the corners of lips. They loved each other in saying you are nothing but only because they were scared to say the real words to each other.But it was okay.





	i cant let you go (dont wanna let you know)

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh i tried my best please dont @ me dfhdjshf  
> title is from u make me feel good by astronomyy because.... tha songs is super andreil and about having like a physical relationship w/ someone you love but you cant tell them you love them soooo

Life was never easy on the run. Too many loose ends to tie up, to many people Neil just  _ couldn’t  _ look in the eye because he knew if they looked too close they could see the underlying fear in his eyes. But that was before he found a home, that was before he found the place that didn’t invoke the feeling of needing to runrunrunrurnrunrun _ run _ and the noise of his father sharpening his knives and the smell of that burning car. That was before he found Andrew.

Home was never a solid thing for Neil, it was always following his mom around to stay away from his father and keep out of the public eye, home was always a motel room on the bad side of town, home was always the passenger seat of his mother’s rental car. But now his home was Andrew, and Andrew’s home was him.

They didn’t do  _ I love you _ s. They did the kissing, and the contact, and they did the  _ yes or no _ s and they did the  _ I’m so wound up would you fuck me into the mattress _ es. But not I love you. It was implied, but never spoken. 

They were so damaged and afraid of love that if either of them ever said it, it would have sent the other one running, miles away, states away, even continents. They were so similar at their cores, but so different on the surface.

Andrew was a Warlock, immortal and wishing he wasn’t, because no matter how hard he tried to die, and no matter how hard he tried to shake away his past, he couldn’t. Blond, clean cut, fresh faced but not at the same time, and standing at five feet tall, he wasn’t intimidating until he smiled. 

Neil was the opposite. His face was covered in scars and marks, disfigured from years of abuse and running, he had red hair, stood barely taller than him, but they still looked worlds away sometimes.

Neither of them had ever really been especially soft, too many years of harsh life had turned them hard at the edges, immune to the love others may send their way. For Andrew, it was years of tough love, but for Neil, it was years of no love at all. Neither of them deemed themselves capable of accepting love, until each other.

They loved each other the way you love something you can’t get rid of. They loved each other in fleeting touches that barely lingered for a second longer than they should. They loved each other in glances that showed soft eyes and the upturning of the corners of lips. They loved each other in saying  _ you are nothing _ but only because they were scared to say the real words to each other.

But it was okay.

Neil was a psychic. He would join Andrew at crime scenes when he would be called in and he would hold the evidence, examine the scene, visualize what went down there. Andrew would look at him with his same blank face anytime he would tell him he figured something out. Neil would feel out the crime scene and find who did it, and Andrew would bring the person there- they worked so well as a team some people thought they were made for each other. 

.

Their lives together were the most solid thing they had. Inside their apartment, it was their own little world. Neil would work the same amount of hours that Andrew would, making so their schedules align so perfectly that they catch each other at the doorway to their apartment building. They would walk into their apartment, whoever was able to grab their key faster was the one who unlocked it, and they would walk in and take a deep breath of relief. Home was where they both thrived.

Andrew would take his shoes off and walk into the kitchen, grabbing whichever tub of ice cream was closest to the front of the freezer, grabbing the pineapple sherbert for Neil. They had a routine, and a nice one.

Neil would sit on the couch with the cats while Andrew fetched the food, putting on an Exy game, typically the USC Trojans. Andrew would roll his eyes as he sat down with their food and spoons, snorting the word  _ junkie _ at Neil. Neil just shrugged and asked  _ yes or no? _ And if he was met with a yes, he would lean into Andrew’s shoulder and bury himself into his boyfriend’s scent. Andrew smelled like vanilla and cigarettes, and to most people the smell of cigarettes was revolting but to Neil it was the scent and the  _ feeling _ of finally having a home. He breathed it in. The smell of smoke quickly became less of a bad memory and more of a comforting thing, something telling him that home was near. He knew that if something happened to him, Andrew would go to the ends of the earth for him. And so for the first time in his life, he had a home to go back to when he was stumbling back in the dark.

Andrew could always smell Neil’s shampoo when he did this, the smell of strawberry taking over his senses.

It was always quiet in their apartment, there was always a sense of contentment and all anyone could hear if they were there would be their breathing, the game of Exy that was playing, and the quiet purring of the cats. It was the little euphoric moments they engaged themselves in together.

If Andrew would reach his arm down around Neil’s waist he would be able to lift the corner of Neil’s ugly orange t-shirt advertising  _ The Foxhole Cafe _ , the cafe down the street, to find the key tattoo that rested on his hip. Neil had gotten it when they moved in together, a little black key on his hipboone. Andrew had reluctantly gotten a matching one, on his left hip. It was better than a promise ring.

.

They never said I love you. They seemed to be on the page as each other, but sometimes they weren’t.

“Andrew,” Neil whispered one night, curled against Andrew’s body in their bed.

“What?” Andrew grunted.

“Why don’t you ever say you love me?”

“Because I hate you.”

“Andrew.” Neil huffed, frustrated with the answer.

“I don’t say it because you are nothing. This is nothing.”   
Neil jolted upright.

“Do you still seriously think this is nothing? You seriously think we share an apartment, share a bed, come home to each other each night, own cats together, do  _ this _ because it’s nothing?”

“It is nothing.”

“I. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I have to go.”

“Fine then. Leave.”

Neil pulled himself out of the bed, unplugging his phone and grabbing the bag he always kept on the back of the door just in case he needed it. 

It was the one moment Neil wished he could turn his abilities off. He could feel the anger and the fear as he walked out of the apartment, locking the door behind him out of habit. He knew where to go, because there was only one person who understood Andrew better than him.

He took the walk to Renee’s apartment, wearing a ratty t-shirt and a pair of Andrew’s pajama pants.

He went through what happened in his head as he walked, reflecting on his cold tone, and cringed in on himself.

If there was one thing he never wanted to be to Andrew, it was cold. He needed him in a way that was hard to describe. He needed him the same way a smoker needs nicotine.

When he arrived at Renee’s he knocked on the door.

She opened it, sleepy eyed and messy haired, squinting for a moment.

“Neil? What’s up? Why’d you show up to my apartment at four thirty in the morning?”

“Andrew and I fought. Can I uh… come inside?” 

“Uh… Sure. I’ll set up the couch. Just, call him in the morning so he knows you’re okay.”

“Renee, you know he knows.”

“Call him anyway. He already misses you.”   
Just as Neil nodded, footsteps padded down the hall.

Allison’s head peeked into the living room.

“Hey, Nee, who was- oh. Hi Neil.”

Allison stood there in the living room in one of Renee’s t-shirts, looking at Neil with big eyes.

“Hi Allison.”

“Uh, I’ll be back in bed in a second, Al.”

Allison nodded and turned around, asking no questions.

“Okay. Neil. I’ll set up the couch for you and we can talk in the morning. I would stay right now, but Allison has been having a hard time sleeping alone recently, and I-”

“I’m fine, Renee. We can talk before I leave for my shift tomorrow.”

“You can’t tell Kevin that you can’t work tomorrow for uh, personal reasons?”

“I don’t think so, no. He takes the Court almost as seriously as he does our community Exy league.”

“Can’t someone cover for you? Jean?”

“I’ll ask, I guess. I just really don’t think I’ll be able to get time off work because I fought with my b- With Andrew.” Neil shrugged.

“Oh, Neil,” Renee sighed. “You just almost- I’m sorry. I’ll fix up the couch for you.”

Neil nodded as Renee went to go get the blankets and pillows from the closet.

“I really am sorry, Neil. I hope we can find time to talk about it in the morning. Goodnight.” She said once it had all been setup.

“Goodnight, Renee.”

Neil had trouble sleeping that night- sleeping with nightmares for the first time since he met Andrew.

.

When Neil woke up, it as a quarter past seven in the morning. He had barely gotten any sleep the night before and dealing with that as well as the fact that he left Andrew-

His phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Junkie.” 

“Andrew- I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have-”

“Neil.” Andrew sighed.

But in that sigh, emotions bloomed through that Andrew would never show with anyone else. It was another unspoken  _ I love you _ that would never be spoken. 

“Andrew.” Neil breathed back.

“I’ll be home when you want to come back. I’ll be here all day, with your two fuckin’ cats. They know they aren’t getting any ice cream, right?”

Neil exhaled a soft laugh. 

Andrew hung up.

.

When Renee and Allison walked out of Renee’s bedroom hand in hand, Neil decided not to say anything. Renee made herself comfortable in the big armchair next to the couch while Allison made coffee.

“So,” She said. “Let’s talk about it. What happened?”

“We don’t say I love you.” Neil said.

“Yes, I know.”

“That’s the problem.”

“That’s the problem? Okay, well, have you talked about how you want him to say it to you?”

“I have. He only responds and says it’s nothing.”

“You know why he does that, though. He needs to make it feel less permanent because he’s scared of getting hurt, and you know that.”   
“Renee, I wouldn’t just spring it on him you know that. It’s been building up for… weeks now. I don’t know why I need him to say it, I don’t know why anyone would need to hear it, especially me. I know he doesn't hate me, so why do I have to hear him say it?”

“It’s a need, Neil. Don’t let your needs go unattended to.”   
Neil was quiet.

“I’m fine, Renee.” He said, moments later. Renee shot him a look. “I’ll call out of work today.”

Renee nodded.

As Neil went to call out of work, Renee padded into the kitchen to see Allison.

She pressed a kiss to her cheek and leaned against her.

“I know that I know they’ll be okay, but I still find myself worried. They’ve both been through so much, you know?”

“I know. They’ll be fine. Neil will probably leave soon to talk to him, and everything will work out. Don’t worry.”

When they walked back out, Neil had folded the blankets into a neat stack.

“Thank you guys but uh, I’m gonna go home. Thank you. It’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.”

“Okay, good luck, Neil.” Renee smiled, watching Neil walk out the door.

“Not that you’ll need it!” Allison called after him.

The walk back to his apartment was quiet.

.

Neil turned the key in the lock, opening it to one of the cats nuzzling against his foot while Andrew sat on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate.

“Andrew. I’m home.”

Andrew grunted in acknowledgement, taking another sip of his cocoa.

Neil went to sit next to him.

“Yes or no?” He asked.

“It’s always a yes for you.”   
Neil lay his head down on Andrew’s lap, looking up at him.

“Let’s play a game,” Neil proposed.

Andrew laced his fingers into Neil’s hair.

“Okay.”

“I’ve been thinking about telling you that I love you for months now I’ve just been scared because I don’t know if you’re here with me forever and I don’t know if you’ll say it back.” Neil admitted, squeezing his eyes shut.

Andrew’s movements paused. 

Neil held his breath.

“I’m scared of saying it back because of the people that hurt me before.” 

That was all Neil needed to hear. He exhaled again.

“I understand.”

Andrew resumed running his fingers through Neil’s hair.

“Yes or no?” He asked.

“Yes.”

Neil’s breath hitched as Andrew’s finger caught a tangle in his hair.

_ Everything would be even more resolved after an orgasm, right?  _ Neil thought.

And he was right.

.

Weeks went by, and Neil understood still. He understood the idea of telling yourself that something was temporary so you wouldn’t be scared, he understood everything that Andrew was feeling. But that didn’t make it hurt less.

After years of associating the three words as a goodbye, like what his mom had whispered before she died and what every moment in between had burned like, he understood.

He was content with not hearing him say it back, like when he would leave for work in the mornings and he would drop a kiss on Andrew’s neck and whisper it in his ear as to not distract him from whatever he would be working on. He could feel the love in the room when Andrew responded back with a,  _ Your neck fetish is unattractive _ , as he did most mornings. And that was okay.

But sometimes, lying in bed with Andrew after a long day, it was all he wanted to hear.

But it was okay.

.

More weeks passed, and they were lying in bed. Andrew had had another bad night, too many things pressed to the front of his mind that he didn’t want to think about. Turned away from Neil in the bed with no contact but Neil holding Andrew’s hand to his chest, Andrew couldn’t feel when he was asleep.

He thought he was

And so he whispered what he thought he would never say.

_ I love you. _ He had whispered.  _ I love you more than you know. _

And when the bed shifted from Neil turning over in his ‘sleep,’ he saw the small smile on his boyfriend’s lips.

And he wasn’t afraid of it anymore.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @stantaire or on twitter @consumemywine


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